The Simple Science of Meeting Compatible Singles

compatiblesingles

Dear Community,

Together we have dealt with various flavours of uncertainty, confusing signals from love interests, and the growth of our self-confidence.

You have tirelessly dated, swiped and sighed. You have held to the mystery of when, where, and how it’s all going to happen. We have explored your Love Readiness over Skype or I have met you on Instagram Live. You have come to Social Dating Experiment and had beautifully deep, conscious conversations.

Wherever your dating life is at, I think I would do us a disservice if I failed to mention one thing:

It is definitely going to happen.

And by “it” I mean the finding of the love of your life.

He may come in the form of a nondescript friend’s introduction as she bounces between names, and he accidentally knocks your wine glass while you stand next to each other.

He may approach you at a bar, in a sharp navy suit and cufflinks, and you just happen to be the greatest anti-fan of cufflinks.

She may be the shy woman in the corner at a speed dating event, where your first reference to the Marvel universe is met with a glimmering interest.

Or she may be the girl I introduce you to at a Sydney Comedy Club. And once I leave the building, you connect over the famous comic you both like who suddenly made a cameo-appearance that night.

Recently I ran into an old friend who was recently engaged. We chatted at length and caught up about how she met, fell for, and committed to marrying her now fiance. She was also at the Flirting Workshop DATEABILITY ran last year in October.

“Things just unlocked for me after that,” she said, “I think I just became more open… because 2 weeks later, it became clear to both of us after being friends for 2 years, that it was on.”

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE

Wherever you are at, you can permit yourself to see things in 1 of 2 ways:

First: ASSUME MOST Starts WILL BE unmagical.

If you can recall the first ever time you met your now best friend, were there peace doves circling the cove beneath the hill where you first exchanged names?

Did an angel descend from heaven to earth to reveal each other’s mutual identity and life stage to you, thus confirming your compatibility as good friends?

Was there a message written in long scrawling cloud calligraphy canvassed on deep blue, stretching over the expanse of the sky?

I’m guessing it was some version of “hello, I’m ______”, followed by a wave or handshake, and some meagre attempt at introductory conversation. That is of course until, shared context, or chatting about life crossed over into deeper topics and territory forcing your hearts together in friendship.

This non-romantic, sober approach to meeting new people exposes you to more opportunities, more volume of available dates (refer to the Week 5 email on Yes, You Should Talk To Strangers).

The basic science of starting a conversation with a guy, and interacting long enough so that he can decide whether to ask for your number is really the method behind the magic.

From this a friendship will spark if there is some connection, at least. And if you’re talking to 3 new people a day, you’re bound to connect with somebody!

SECOND WAY TO SEE IT: CONVINCING YOURSELF YOU KNOW THEM BEFORE YOU EVEN SPEAK TO THEM.

Every person who has ever told me “I just know when I’ll be attracted to him by observing him interacting with other people,” has been a single woman over 28 years. Who hasn’t been on a proper date in three years. Who also has a very specific criteria, like 'he must have dual citizenship in both a country in Europe and Australia’.

Most of you know I am pro-specificity when it comes to character and values within your dating life. Cloud and Townsend, authors of Boundaries in Dating, and How to Get a Date Worth Keeping even say “be willing to date anyone of good character”, and then assess whether he is right for you (the compatibility piece).

That willingness will open you up to new opportunities.

I want to acknowledge what you are probably thinking right now:

What if I give a chance to a nice Christian guy who has put his hope into this one date with me, and I will have to do the ugly work of rejecting him later?

My response: So be it! Why are you trying to predict every emotional response of every guy you will ever drink a flat white with?

Dating is learning about yourself and the opposite sex. It is flirting practice, training in how to have stimulating conversations with strangers, lessons in self-representation, topped with a thick layer of emotional (and physical) self-control, while you slowly assess whether this person is right for you (the compatibility piece again).

Get over yourself and recognise that you could be blocking the very introductions that could lead to an extremely satisfying and happy relationship!

After my first date with Tom, I thought he was kind of introverted and dare I say, a little boring! It turns out he was just nervous around me, and as we had not any shared contexts leading up to this very intentional 1-1 date with each other, he scrambled on how to keep things interesting when he knew nothing about who I was, or whether he could crack a joke and not leave me grossly offended.

ALL THIS TO SAY…

Be open. Give new people a chance. It’s super fun to be proven wrong and come out a winner in the end!

I understand how hard it is to be in the midst of winding uncertainty. Believe me, I’ve been there. I used to accuse the Lord of “not having my back with men”, and flitting in and out of doubt if He even cared for my intimacy needs.

Being on the receiving end of rejection is not enjoyable. You start questioning your worth, whether you missed the boat in your early 20s, whether you are enough. It’s a hard gig - dating. However: Rejection is a means to keep people apart who are not good for each other.

I wonder if we ever graduate from the sting of rejection in every area of life?

I have written blogs on this in the past, and can only conclude that as long as we choose to keep learning and humbling ourselves to God’s mighty hand, we will grow in shrewdness and wisdom from these experiences.

Control of others is not possible, but influence is. As painful as it is to ask ourselves how we stuffed things up, it’s a question worth asking.

A man I was coaching recently would continue to rationalise the feedback I gave him, not accepting it as something that was directly affecting his social and relational world. This lack of personal responsibility made it difficult to generate the results we both wanted in his love life.

Put it this way: there is a simple science to meeting and finding your compatible suitor.

I will attempt to expound these over the next few weeks, in terms of the ‘how’:

Step 1. Actively search for groups of single people within your demographic.

Step 2. Indiscriminately meet new people there.

Step 3. Be willing to open up a conversation with anyone.

Step 4. Wherever the conversation goes, be interested and supportive in whatever they are talking about, (unless of course it’s completely inappropriate!) More conversational doors will open up this way. (I see too many people stuffing up Step 4!).

Step 5. If you’re interested in connecting further, ladies you can ask for his details - “let me add you on Facebook/LinkedIn/Instagram”. If you’re a guy, say “let me grab your number, I’d love to connect further”.

Step 6. GAME FOR LADIES: if the guy doesn’t contact you in a few hours… Send a message referencing the conversation you just had. If you get no reply, leave the connection and move on!

Step 6. GAME FOR GENTLEMEN: as you are expected to make the first moves: Either ask her to have coffee with you, or invite her to come along to an event you mentioned in the initial conversation. If she doesn’t reply or says no, be polite in your response and then move on!

What do you think of these 6 SIMPLE steps? I will go into First Date Cheat Sheets SOON. Leave your thoughts in the comments below. In the meantime, come to social dating experiment this saturday SO YOU HAVE A PLACE TO PRACTICE ;-)

Read more of The DATEABILITY Blog:

How To Not Be Intimidated By Really Attractive People

A person is a person is a person. 

Now, if a celebrity is a person who has publicly broadcasted their achievements on various mediums, and successfully leveraged this to make you believe their value is higher than yours (called "perceived value"), then this must mean everybody has access to this power.

Ahoy hoy, friends! I trust your May has been as cold as a frosted lipstick colour, as has mine.

This month's blog is especially dedicated to my friend who flits in and out of confidence around that gorgeous proverbial Fireman, the kind that saves cats from burning buildings and secretly stares in her direction when she's not looking. She is sooo beautiful, talented and crazily intelligent, yet she never feels "good enough" for the men she's attracted to. 

All this to say, perceived value is a sneaky trick of the mind. God's truth is that He loves you (John 15:9), deems you valuable and precious (1 Cor 6:19-20), created you for a purpose (John 15:16), has given you the power to choose the best kind of life (Romans 12:2), and wants to be in relationship with you for eternity (Philippians 3:20).

So here's how to stop thinking we're not worth life's bulbous blueberry tank of blessings...

1. Rock your own physical assets.

Baby, you're gorgeous.

Baby, you're gorgeous.

Self-perception is an intriguing animal. God has created us in His own image (Genesis 1:27), meaning that we can be as smart, powerful, wealthy, successful, knowledgeable, loving... basically as beautiful (or ugly and insecure) as we want to be. The choice is up to us.

It's just not helped by it's ugly stepsister Comparison, fed by hours of scrolling through social media and wondering why your eyes are not as almond-shaped as theirs, or whatever.

You are beautiful. You will always be your own version of beautiful. If you don't have that girl's statuesque height or that guy's muscle definition, there are probably traits you have that are in demand. For example, my girlfriend who ritualises her fake-tanning sessions has an amazing Kim Kardashian-like figure, and my male friend who complains his six pack is slow to emerge has a very strong jaw line (and not to mention killer sense of humour).

So work out your colour palette, hit the morning walking trail, eat organic veggies and adorn yourself with a few tailored items of clothing that fit your body shape nicely. And rock your uniqueness like it's hawttt, where you'll realise that being "super attractive" is a factor that is easily within your control. It's just about effort.

2. Picture them in pajamas without make up or hair gel.

Meh. This is us, stripped of anything impressive.

Meh. This is us, stripped of anything impressive.

Who are they at zero?

Someone once told me that we are nothing without our internal qualities, like our resilience, easily forgiving nature, knowledge about the intricacies of our loved ones and ability to bake a mean Shepherd's Pie. We are our true selves when we close the door to our bedrooms at the end of the day and devote our sleep to the Lord.

And let me bust their Really Attractive Person (RAP) bubble right now. A RAP is simply a person who got their colours done at Myer, attends a few gym sessions a week, and maintains a sufficiently healthy eating plan. Or, they've just hit a genetic lottery. So, what - it doesn't sound to me like that's very difficult, or that they've earned their "beauty".

Alas, without all those expensive clothes, and if you got to know them better, they will probably emerge as equally insecure and human as the rest of us. On a typical week night they will probably be in their mismatched fluffy socks, with bits of chip breakage on their trackies, knees hugging their chest with a blanket wrapped around their fragile, fragile souls...

3. Try EBAs on everybody.

You are free to work the room. The only blockage is your own self-doubt.

You are free to work the room. The only blockage is your own self-doubt.

Matthew Hussey's theory of Effort Based Action (EBA) is brilliant. Applying this to your everyday life, the idea is to kickstart a new habit of creating. Enacting one millimetre shift per day changes will result in attracting the same sort of thing back to you. 

Let me explain:

Say at the next Church Gathering you decide to say "How's it going?" to 10 guys you don't know from a bar of soap, tap them on the shoulder, smile, and walk away. How many of the 10 might result in a conversation? And out of those conversations, how many might result in an exchange of phone numbers? Is not church a warm environment where people are used to making new acquaintances and friends?

To be honest with you, this is the strategy I used to meet my very amazing boyfriend who has helped me write and draft this blog post. (Yup, he put those words in. Just kidding...)

One of my Christian male friends told me that if a girl started a normal conversation with him, he would absolutely love that and be open to chatting with her. Is he single? Yes. Is he attractive? Yes. Is he mature, masculine and godly? Very. Is he looking for someone he can get to know seriously? Absolutely. The eligible men are out there, ladies! You just need to say hello to them!

4. Aim to connect, over impress.

Congratulations to those who stopped reading this blog and threw caution to the wind by picking up the phone and calling Cutie. You know you who are!

Excuse the sales pitch, but my Three Month Coaching Program (see Shop) will delve into the array of thoughts that may be holding you back, and you will learn to take responsibility for finding the love of your life, partnering with God in this process. 

For instance, the reason why RAPs may not notice you is because you become overly conscious of how your hands are awkwardly swinging by your side. However, around non-RAPs (or guys you perceive as lower value in your eyes), they get you into fits of laughter from all their Guardians of the Galaxy impersonations. With such RAPs you care too much, but with non-RAPs you care very little. 

The key is to value each person equally, and make a judgment on their value after getting to know them for a consistent period of time. 

5. Put on their crocodile shoes.

We are all mere shadow-casters that can try each other's lives on for size.

We are all mere shadow-casters that can try each other's lives on for size.

Lecrae once said that as a popular Christian hip hop/rap artist, his fans "expected more of him than he was physically capable of giving" (paraphrased). I am referring to celebrities in this post as they are also people the general public tends to idolise and elevate to God-like status, deifying their seasonally popular qualities. 

The truth is that they are human too, and while we're free to admire them, one day you too might become a famous Teacher/Software Developer/Author/Singer/Speaker/Musician. How will you cope with all the fame, the limited freedom, the removal of the right to pop over to the supermarket next door to pick up some milk in your Uggh Boots? 

There is a public persona and a private life, and the trouble is when we give someone too much credit for who we know them to be in only magazine publications and TV shows. They had a full Hair and Make-Up team here! They cheated!

Parallel this with our intimidation towards RAPs - while we're ogling them from afar, somebody somewhere, considers you a RAP, and is drooling over you, too.

Did you find this helpful? Please like and comment below. 

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