Two of you had offered to buy me drinks over two consecutive days.
My response had been as follows:
"I'm a strong, independent woman! I don't need no man to buy me my [insert relevant beverage name here]!"
To which you men would cut in quickly, "Woah, ok, ok, sorry I offered---"
Then I'd cut you back off to finish my grandiose display of modern day, 21st Century feminism:
"But if you insist, ok :)"
Why is bringing home the bacon so important to a woman? For the first time in history, an American woman stands on a podium inspiring little girls to aspire for Presidency over sovereign states; or they are running multi million dollar businesses and obliterating glass ceilings. Women are engineers, champion surfers, attaining black belts in boy sports and blueprinting their own three storey houses. Yet women are still dance-paradoxing, kicking up hands in their self-bought Jimmy Choos to "Independent Women", while simultaneously demanding that their boyfriends should better hurry up and "put a ring on it".
I started a new job the other week. I balance full time work, paid performances, an online shop (check out the Book Shop here for Freshly Baked Poetry!), investments, this blog, my family, my social life and my mental, physical and spiritual health. I have a job, a car, a proliferating superannuation fund, and a 5 year plan involving the purchase of an investment property.
In theory, I am set for life.
I am (and always will be) financially stable on my own without a partner.
Alas, to all the single women reading this, you are probably thinking "I possess all those things too!" and continue my train of thought with your agreement:
"Even if Sydney property prices went down, I'd still want a man with a good job, a house, and a car."
He hunts, she gathers and why that matters
Evolution theory suggests that our caveman ancestors were characteristically divided by the following:
Men were Hunters, driven by the chemical testosterone. With a stronger biology, responsibilities included:
- traipsing untamed jungle for game,
- toggling with flight or fight amygdala reactions so to not get eaten by wild animal on daily basis,
- intense eye contact with wild beasts,
- experience life-or-death moments as wild beast fights back for survival,
- using biceps, triceps and quads to tackle carnal beast to jungle floor,
- defeating wild animal with spear or axe,
- bringing proverbial bacon back to woman and babies at home village.
Women were Gatherers, filled with oestrogen and oxytocin. As with the more nurturing, weaker biology, her responsibilities included:
- foraging berry trees, nuts and various other fruit plantations,
- sorting through her tree-plucked treasures to separate edible from inedible,
- rearing babies,
- breastfeeding those babies,
- ensure babies' physical and emotional needs were met to keep development intact for first 4 years of life,
- managing village until her male counterpart returned from hunting with other male counterpart hunters.
A subsistence economy instantly clarifies the different roles men and women must take in a pure survival context. So in the wild, a woman can verbalise that she is a "strong and independent woman" all she likes, but should a charging animal red-eye her in racing, guiltless bloodlust, her 53kg frame would surely be eaten. Bah-bow.
Fast forward to 21st Century life, and I am comforted by the industrial age littered with factories for mass production, making redundant any back breaking work by the labour of human hands. However if I moved house, I'd still request a cluster of strong male counterparts over similarly built girlfriends to help lug my fridge to the upstairs kitchen.
CALL ME A MATERIALIST, BUT...
The other day I met a cute guy at a seminar. We hit it off instantly. Our conversation was peppered with people-watching observations, and my random jokes were met with fellow nerd understandings of Foucault and Erikson. He studied applied psychology at uni, was interested in philosophy and writing, and listened intently to me talk about my dreams of getting published and becoming a NY Times bestselling Author. I could have chatted to him with pleasure for much longer.
"You've got a really nice car," he observed as I drove him to his 10:30pm shift on a Thursday night in the city. "I don't drive - can't afford wheels right now," he explained.
A man who can't or doesn't drive is sufficient reason for a 21st Century high value woman to be utterly and completely turned off romantically. Sorry boys, but:
I will be the one who has to drive him around, her subconscious voice will murmur.
So he's not able to look after me, it continues.
Even if he can at a later stage, would I be willing to wait around until he has the means to purchase a car? Until then, how is he going to protect me if we go dancing one evening and go home at 3am? Would he be able to pay for the taxi/uber like a caring gentleman would?
And as her thoughts continue driving home on the Anzac Bridge, she concludes her respect for his autonomy of mind, but would never consider him as anything more than just a very engaging, lovely friend.
I Don't think LOVE IS ENOUGH
Maybe it's the stage of life I'm in, and how well I've been treated by platonic gentlemen on dinner dates, but I could never date a guy who was still studying. As large as my crush might be on a handsome intellectual, I'm too much of an adult to be impractical and idealistic. At least give me a man with a concrete (enough) plan.
Am I being harsh? I look forward to the feedback of all my male counterparts reading this blog. "But God has called me to Bible College," one might comment (and now you're probably going to word it differently because I've said it that way :|).
"I know I'm called to build the church," another will pipe up. That's fantastic, I'll respond, so show me your Excel spreadsheet of a budget proving that you understand these 3-5 years of studying theology are only temporary, and you are seeking other ways to build passive income while you focus on serving God without having to work and think practically full time.
Lack of financial wisdom and understanding from any person, not just males, shows a lack of revelation that life has not just been handed to them.
Somebody, somewhere, is paying for your rent, bills, food, luxuries and other miscellaneous expenses. I don't mean to offend any wives or girlfriends who bear the financial brunt of their relationship, but for your sake I hope the tables turn quickly and your man becomes the Provider and Protector God has wired his biology to be.
Then of course, there's falling pregnant and going on maternity leave, and relying on his income for every possible and conceptual need...
So here's my summary:
- Money may not be everything a woman looks for, but a man having enough of it is evidence that he is able to Provide and Protect.
- If an independent, established-in-her-career woman dates a man without income, she is likely to take on the role of Provider/Protector, and will then feel uncared for and gradually become very frustrated.
- If you are a theology student or still undergoing any other type of study, show that you are financially wise and have a plan. The desire and the willingness is what she values; that you want to eventually be the full time Provider/Protector, but this can't drag on for very long. You must be thinking of her and your future offspring on top of yourself. No pressure!
- While a "strong, independent woman" might be financially set for life, she doesn't really want to be. Eventually she wants to have your babies, focus all her time and attention on raising those babies, but still hold onto her core identity; fortified before she married you.
Next week: What I Really Think of Online and App Dating
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THE CHRISTIAN DATING CULTURE IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER.
FAITH-FILLED SINGLES ARE TRUSTING GOD IN THEIR BEDROOMS, PASSIVELY WAITING FOR MR OR MISS RIGHT TO FALL OUT OF THE SKY.
AFTER COACHING MANY CHRISTIAN SINGLES TO BECOME PROACTIVE ABOUT THEIR LOVE LIVES, I AM OFFERING MY SERVICES TO EQUIP YOU WITH A TOOLKIT THAT WILL HELP YOU ROCK SINGLENESS, AND MARRY SOCIAL COMPETENCY WITH CONFIDENT FAITH.
READ MORE OF THE WEEKLY COMFORT BLOG:
- Jun 15, 2018 How to Play the Dating Game with Integrity Jun 15, 2018
- Mar 12, 2018 Stop Worrying About Getting Older Mar 12, 2018
- May 31, 2017 How To Not Be Intimidated By Really Attractive People May 31, 2017
- Apr 21, 2017 How To Let Him Pursue You Apr 21, 2017
- Jan 18, 2017 A Note on Work Ethic Jan 18, 2017
- Nov 1, 2016 9 Thoughts on Christian App & Online Dating Nov 1, 2016
- Oct 25, 2016 A Note to The Creatives Oct 25, 2016
- Jul 31, 2016 A Note on Money Jul 31, 2016
- Jun 30, 2016 Like Does He Have A Car? Why Financial Stability Is So Important To Women Jun 30, 2016
- Jun 8, 2016 Part 5. Navigating Christian Dating Culture: The 10 Blindspots of Faith-Filled Single Gents Jun 8, 2016
- Jun 1, 2016 Part 4. Navigating Christian Dating Culture: The 10 Blindspots of Faith-Filled Single Ladies Jun 1, 2016
- May 26, 2016 Part 3. Navigating Christian Dating Culture: In Defence of the Friend Zone May 26, 2016
- May 19, 2016 Part 2. Navigating Christian Dating Culture: Some Practical Applications May 19, 2016
- May 10, 2016 Part 1. Introduction to Navigating The Christian Dating Culture May 10, 2016
- May 4, 2016 The Self-Respecting Person's Guide to Networking May 4, 2016
- April 2016
- Mar 30, 2016 The Love We Crave Series: Parents Mar 30, 2016
- Mar 24, 2016 A Note on Intimacy Mar 24, 2016
- Mar 17, 2016 So Cool Was SoCal: Mexican Food, Margaritas and Money Matters Mar 17, 2016
- Mar 6, 2016 So Far in SoCal: Observations from an Asian Australian Tourist Mar 6, 2016
- Feb 24, 2016 5 Truths to Help You Annihilate Self-Doubt Feb 24, 2016
- Feb 19, 2016 4 Reasons Why I'd Like To Stop Swearing Feb 19, 2016
- Feb 10, 2016 The 7 Benefits of Being Asian Feb 10, 2016
- Feb 1, 2016 4 Things You Need To Know About Your Personality Type Feb 1, 2016
- Jan 19, 2016 Part 3 – Figuring Out Who We Want To Be In A Relationship With Jan 19, 2016
- Jan 12, 2016 Part 2 - Figuring Out Why We Want To Be In A Relationship Jan 12, 2016
- Jan 11, 2016 Part 1 - Figuring Out What We Want In A Relationship Jan 11, 2016
- Jan 4, 2016 7 Strategies for Controlling Negative Emotions Jan 4, 2016
- Dec 31, 2015 The 1 New Year's Resolution That Will Actually Work Dec 31, 2015
- Dec 29, 2015 10 Questions to Test Your Self-Awareness & Self-Respect Dec 29, 2015
- Dec 21, 2015 5 Tips On Handling Rejection Well Dec 21, 2015
- Dec 12, 2015 7 Tips to Help You Kill It On Stage Dec 12, 2015
- Dec 7, 2015 Poetry: 5 Life Lessons That Took Me Forever to Understand Dec 7, 2015
- Dec 1, 2015 Short Story: Power Dec 1, 2015
- November 2015