This is Part 5 of Navigating the Christian Dating Culture series. Read last week's post here.
Ahoy dear brothers!
Thank you for stumbling onto my blog. Whether you got here by taxi or direct train, I'm thankful you've arrived.
The following pointers have been given to my current male clients, ages ranging from 19-35 years, so if you're around 32 and under-breath a "well I know that already", consider yourself deserving of a jellyfish fist-pump. Now say that 5 times fast.
I am your sister, so take my womanly advice on how-to-be-a-man-treating-well-a-woman with a grain of salt. As I did in last week's post to the Faith-Filled Single Ladies, you boys may need a nice cold refresher...
1. Underestimating how attractive paying the bill is.
WHY? "Take me to Starbucks, buy me a coffee, show me that you want to treat me."
I don't mean every time. Assuming you are first-dating a woman who can hold her own, she just wants to know that you intend on taking care of her.
If after the first date there's clearly no chemistry or attraction, then paying the bill might simply be an extension of your self-sufficiency and generosity towards a new acquaintance. Alas, I'll leave paying on a bad first date entirely up to you.
My girlfriend once met a guy who worked for a Kid's Cancer Charity, and throughout the eating/drinking venues trotted through on their first date, he expected her to pay half of every bill. He thought he was being a 21st Century Gentleman, but she thought he was a major tight-arse.
It doesn't have to be out of budget. Ladies don't even mind that you earn less than them, but show her that you've got her back. Show her that you can and you intend to provide. Be willing!
2. Overvaluing your accomplishments.
WHY? Good character is so much sexier than top tier accomplishments.
It's lovely to meet high net-worth, home-owning, vintage-car-driving Mr Perfects, but when they don't own up to a wrongdoing (like arriving 30 minutes late with no apology) that tarnishes her association of you. Immediately. Jerk!
Let me explain:
- Humility about knowing how to identify every country in the African continent? = hot.
- Your strong work ethic paving the pathway for your current success? = smokin'.
- Owning a house, car, motorbike, tithing weekly and sponsoring an Uruguayan child and acting like it's no biggie? = sexy!
- Turning up 30 minutes late to dinner, profusely apologising and making up for it by surprising her with flowers on her windshield? = happily forgiven :).
Put it this way - would you rather be extremely arrogant or the Devil? Pride always comes before the fall! No one likes an a-hole, gentlemen.
3. Confusing pursuit with a begging barrage.
WHY? Nick Vujicic didn't beg Kanae to go out with him.
If you are scrolling through your iPhone reading this, I surmise you have at least a one thumb more advantage than Nick had!
This photograph should snap you out of your hang-ups. Nick is dealt the worst kind of hand (don't mind the pun), and yet he still maximises his potential and confidence with women.
So stand comfortable with yourself, know who you are and take pride in that. If you are initiating conversations and progress is slow, be patient. Socially confident men do not beg (despite how they feel, more on this later!).
4. Lighting a candle to put on her shrine.
WHY? Women do love being adored, but if you make her the centre of your universe, her level of respect for you will wane.
What I mean by this is: don't worship her, don't fixate on her - because that's called infatuation. She's a person, just like any other.
As my friend Ecron says - holistic interest over short term infatuation. Yes I know you think she's beautiful, but if you are struggling to have a string of solid conversations with her to get a feel for her character and build that budding friendship, she might be emotionally unavailable.
Meaning = she's not open to getting to know you, or anyone as yet. Meaning = she's got her own stuff to sort out. Meaning = she's probably on a Man Fast mandated by self to quarantine her attention towards Jesus. Meaning = let it go and move on. For now.
I know that Christian women can be the ones who want to rush things, but both sexes are guilty of building fantasy empires in our heads not rooted in reality.
WHY? It doesn't show off leadership ability.
Even choosing a movie or the restaurant when you're out makes her feel more secure with you. Of course, some machismo can come across as pushy and dominant. As a free-spirited, naturally spontaneous personality, I prefer decisive gents. They remove the thinking for me. Know what you want and go out and get it. Stop pussy-footing around.
This is strongly linked to my next point...
6. PASSIVITY in social situations.
WHY? Because ugh. Passive men are so unattractive!
I don't mean forefront macho aggression, but proactivity can even take the form of simply standing in her space, asserting your presence, knowing in your mind's eye that you are confident and comfortable with just standing beside her.
During a group outing, leader types emerge. Be consistent with your personality. Don't push your way to be the most outspoken if you're not already like that. However women will find the man who is actively listening to majority's preferences, and then deciding what's best for the group, to be the leader in their eyes. And that is very attractive to the modern 21st Century Christian woman.
7. Thinking a fat wallet is enough.
WHY? Women value financial stability, but connecting takes precedence over this.
I was once treated to a really fancy seafood dinner by a guy. The snapper with macadamia pesto? Delectable. We joked with our waiter and drank Riesling overlooking a view of Sydney Harbour. Yet after the $200 bill which he paid, I was thankful it was over. He was terrible conversation. I felt like I was constantly pulling teeth to extract two words out of him.
His character and level of proactivity was always strong, but he overvalued the restaurant choice, or felt that we were comfortable enough in our bond to not talk too much. News flash: one should always make an effort. I would have preferred if he took me to McDonald's and made me spit fries and Coke from laughing so hard.
8. Being emotionally unavailable.
WHY? Her insecurities are MAGNIFIED by your avoiding the conversation.
Yes, social conditioning is to blame for men who aren't able to talk about their feelings. For men who can't own up to messing with the photocopier settings. For men who don't apologise. Alas, women would prefer the man who says "I find it difficult to talk about these things, so please be patient while I slowly learn." Vulnerability is scary, especially since shame directly impacts, but apologising once via humble acknowledgment is much more attractive than avoiding it altogether.
A good woman is to be trusted with your progress to become more Christlike.
9. Missing non-verbal cues.
WHY? Because catching them will make her heart sing.
According to experts, 55% of communication is non-verbal, 38% is tone of voice, and 7% are the actual words spoken. Men are traditionally more facts-and-data-driven, and less intuitive than women. Does she face towards you in conversation? Good.
Is she saying she's "fine" while crossing her arms and pouting? Not good. Look at her face and body, don't be seduced by her beauty while deciphering her messages. I've provided links as I know this is super difficult for lots of my bros.
10. Forgetting to relax and enjoy the process.
WHY? You are looking for a wife, not a summer fling.
Let it take time. Enjoy the friendship you are building with her. As we know - it's the greatest foundation for any relationship. As I say to the Ladies - build your wolfpack, develop platonic female friendships, have fun in group settings, don't take yourself so seriously. All the while living a life you are proud of, filled with passion, intention and purpose.
A good woman is looking for a man she trusts and respects.
- Matthew Hussey - The Attraction Formula
- Mark Manson - A New Masculinity
- John Eldredge - Ransomed Heart
LET ME HELP YOU FIND THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.
DUG THIS ARTICLE? CLICK THE HEART BUTTON. (MY POSITIVE AFFIRMATION TANK NEEDS FILLING). OH - AND IF YOU'RE FEELING CHATTY, LEAVE A COMMENT!
read more of the weekly comfort blog:
- Jun 15, 2018 How to Play the Dating Game with Integrity Jun 15, 2018
- Mar 12, 2018 Stop Worrying About Getting Older Mar 12, 2018
- May 31, 2017 How To Not Be Intimidated By Really Attractive People May 31, 2017
- Apr 21, 2017 How To Let Him Pursue You Apr 21, 2017
- Jan 18, 2017 A Note on Work Ethic Jan 18, 2017
- Nov 1, 2016 9 Thoughts on Christian App & Online Dating Nov 1, 2016
- Oct 25, 2016 A Note to The Creatives Oct 25, 2016
- Jul 31, 2016 A Note on Money Jul 31, 2016
- Jun 30, 2016 Like Does He Have A Car? Why Financial Stability Is So Important To Women Jun 30, 2016
- Jun 8, 2016 Part 5. Navigating Christian Dating Culture: The 10 Blindspots of Faith-Filled Single Gents Jun 8, 2016
- Jun 1, 2016 Part 4. Navigating Christian Dating Culture: The 10 Blindspots of Faith-Filled Single Ladies Jun 1, 2016
- May 26, 2016 Part 3. Navigating Christian Dating Culture: In Defence of the Friend Zone May 26, 2016
- May 19, 2016 Part 2. Navigating Christian Dating Culture: Some Practical Applications May 19, 2016
- May 10, 2016 Part 1. Introduction to Navigating The Christian Dating Culture May 10, 2016
- May 4, 2016 The Self-Respecting Person's Guide to Networking May 4, 2016
- April 2016
- Mar 30, 2016 The Love We Crave Series: Parents Mar 30, 2016
- Mar 24, 2016 A Note on Intimacy Mar 24, 2016
- Mar 17, 2016 So Cool Was SoCal: Mexican Food, Margaritas and Money Matters Mar 17, 2016
- Mar 6, 2016 So Far in SoCal: Observations from an Asian Australian Tourist Mar 6, 2016
- Feb 24, 2016 5 Truths to Help You Annihilate Self-Doubt Feb 24, 2016
- Feb 19, 2016 4 Reasons Why I'd Like To Stop Swearing Feb 19, 2016
- Feb 10, 2016 The 7 Benefits of Being Asian Feb 10, 2016
- Feb 1, 2016 4 Things You Need To Know About Your Personality Type Feb 1, 2016
- Jan 19, 2016 Part 3 – Figuring Out Who We Want To Be In A Relationship With Jan 19, 2016
- Jan 12, 2016 Part 2 - Figuring Out Why We Want To Be In A Relationship Jan 12, 2016
- Jan 11, 2016 Part 1 - Figuring Out What We Want In A Relationship Jan 11, 2016
- Jan 4, 2016 7 Strategies for Controlling Negative Emotions Jan 4, 2016
- Dec 31, 2015 The 1 New Year's Resolution That Will Actually Work Dec 31, 2015
- Dec 29, 2015 10 Questions to Test Your Self-Awareness & Self-Respect Dec 29, 2015
- Dec 21, 2015 5 Tips On Handling Rejection Well Dec 21, 2015
- Dec 12, 2015 7 Tips to Help You Kill It On Stage Dec 12, 2015
- Dec 7, 2015 Poetry: 5 Life Lessons That Took Me Forever to Understand Dec 7, 2015
- Dec 1, 2015 Short Story: Power Dec 1, 2015
- November 2015